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| (Image courtesy of Pixy.orgPixy.org.) Access my portfolio project at: https://mrsedenela.oucreate.com/indianepics/ |
Thanks for your comments!
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| (Image courtesy of Pixy.orgPixy.org.) Access my portfolio project at: https://mrsedenela.oucreate.com/indianepics/ |
Hey Eden,
ReplyDeleteI just read the first story on your portfolio and I thought it was really well done narrative and it's clear you put a lot of effort into the details of the story. I spent a lot of my reading trying to find something missing in your writing to help with feedback, but I was glued to the story the entire time and I had no feelings of something amiss upon getting to the conclusion of the first chapter.
I guess the few suggestions I might offer are considering a formatting change. The first paragraph of the story seems like it starts with the title but then goes right into the first sentence, all of which is in a different size font than the rest of the story, which seemed kind of jarring for me. I'd also recommend adding the title to the navigation bar at the top, instead of just labeling them Story 1, etc.
Once again, I think you are off to a great start on your portfolio. Cheers!
Thanks, Mason! I had a heck of a time figuring out the formatting, and I didn't look at a final preview. I appreciate you pointing out where it was janky. I fixed it. Now I just have to figure out how to change the font size. I'm not happy with the size it is now.
DeleteThank you for your kind words!
-Eden
Hello, Eden (cool name, by the way). I read your first story, and I thought you did very well. I'm a big fan of Greek mythology, so the comparison of Sampati and Surya as Daedalus and Icarus resonated well with me. I liked your writing style a lot as well. I think your flair serves dramatic storytelling well; you're descriptive and colorful, but still succinct and clear. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much, but if I had to offer any sort of constructive feedback I would say to maybe find a different picture for your first story, since the picture of wings you have now still has a large watermark across the bottom. I would also suggest better separating the different sections of writing you have; your story is very long and very spread out, so I found myself wondering where your author's note was for a while. Other than that, I thought you did very well!
Thanks, semajc!
DeleteI tried to do a caption on my image. It didn't work like it does in Blogger. Then I forgot how to get back to the image to remove it. I finally figured it out and deleted the caption and put it down in my bibliography.
I like your idea of separating out the writing. There are parts of this that I would like to expand on. Based on our suggestion, I went in and made Chapters in my menu and separated them out. I still have the original story pages, though, since I'm going to wait until the end to make the author's note and bibliography pages.
Thanks for your help!
-Eden
Hi Eden!
ReplyDeleteIt is very apparent to the reader that you have put a lot of time and thought into developing and fine tuning this storybook. At first glance of your stories, one may assume that you did not change a lot of the original story, but you have made key alterations, specifically within the story's diction and smaller details. I would recommend adding illustrations or implementing more detailed illustrations in your further revision process. There are so many symbols and events where it would be helpful for the reader to have a visual reference along with reading the words. You took this idea of the father striking into the other well known Ramayana characters we have read about, Daedalus and Icarus. The quotations and dialogue exchange between the characters is vital, and I would work on polishing these statements even more. Great work, and I am curious to see where your story will be continued, as indicated. Great work!
Thanks, Shary!
DeleteI agree. I've been slacking on the illustrations. I'm still trying to figure out formatting on Wordpress. It's not as simple as Blogger! At least I'm not having to do my own HTML coding, though.
It's been so long since I've done a creative narrative instead of academic papers. I agree that my dialogue is a little stilted. I would appreciate continued feedback on this aspect of my writing.
Thanks for your kind words!
-Eden
Hey Eden!
ReplyDeleteI really like Greek mythology in it of itself, so maybe I had a bias for your story, but I really enjoyed it! I love how you incorporated the details of Greek mythology into your own story. You included Indian mythology really well into your story, and it felt like you almost created a new genre combining the two, which is really interesting! Your writing flowed really well, and it was really easy to read; I personally have problems myself writing too much fluff or detail on less important aspects of my own stories, but I feel like I could learn from your writing in the way that you did not have confusing syntax or vocabulary throughout your story. You stuck with the main point and kept it going in a readable way. I would try to, however, space out your paragraphs more, especially between dialogues, as it can really help distinguish who is speaking, and how the speaking is flowing between different characters. Really great job!
Thanks, DC! All the art that I saw depicting Icarus paints him as a very muscular teenager. I work with teenage boys, and I know they can be stupid and reckless, but he's trying to escape to freedom. I don't think he would be screwing around much. Plus, he's Daedalus's son.
ReplyDeleteIf you like sacrificial deaths, check out Story 2. I'm continuing the story line from Daedalus's point of view. This narrative keeps growing in my mind when I'm drifting off to sleep.
Thanks for your kind words!
-Eden
Hi, Z!
ReplyDeleteI've loved Greek and Roman mythology long before Rick Riordan hit the scene. I like finding similar elements in the folk tales and mythologies of different cultures. I think identifying similar tropes and looking at how each culture handles those tropes helps build empathy and encourages finding creative solutions to problems.
Thank you for the advice. This is the first time I've really dug into having dialogue. I've been writing academic papers for so long, I'm having a hard time shifting into letting the characters tell their own story. I would appreciate continued feedback on the dialogue as I work through my story.
Thanks for the help!
-Eden
Hi Eden!
ReplyDeleteI love Greek mythology! I was completely encapsulated with your first story about Daedalus and his son Icarus. It's as though I could feel the urgency of Daedalus to get his son away from their prison, though the task seemed insurmountable. The dialogue between your characters was insanely impressive to me, as was your ability to combine different ancient universes in Greek and India. The second story was brilliant as well. The details you have are so specific, it's as though I was watching the flight of Icarus. You also do a great job of jumping to the past and back to the present. You do a great job of conveying what is going through the mind of Daedalus as he is powerless to help his son. The detail in all of your stories and chapters is riveting--I felt as though I couldn't get enough of your storytelling. Your ability to create and describe your stories is amazing! I cannot wait to be able to read more of these tales as the semester continues. Great work Eden!
Hey Eden! First off, I love the way that your first story is formatted. Your separation of different scenes and ideas really added to the story and I loved the to be continued at the end to get the reader excited for more. I can quickly tell that you have put a lot of time and effort into crafting this storybook into an entertaining and effective tale. Greek mythology has been a topic that I have loved since middle school so reading this story really brought me back to the days when I would read non stop about it. I loved your take on these stories and the way you really get the reader engaged. You are a great story teller and I wish I was half as good as you were. I look forward to reading more of this story throughout the semester.
ReplyDeleteHey Eden,
ReplyDeleteI love this idea! I think a lot of kids our age grew up learning about Greek mythology (because of the Percy Jackson books), and it was fun seeing the greek myths cross over with the Indian myths. I like how the ultimate result of the Icarus story remains the same, but instead of dying to his own hubris, Icarus dies for killing the birds. Also, if you wanted to make Icarus die because of his own overconfidence, you could have Icarus be warned about killing the eagles, and then decide to kill them anyway. My one question in the story was whether all the Indian gods existed independently (or if they were just different versions of the Greek gods). Maybe you can include conversations (or references to conversations) between gods talking about the existence of other gods. Since the main character interacted with the Greek gods, I didn't question whether those gods existed. However, overall your writing flows very well and I like how you structured your story into distinct chapters; it broke the story up in a way that makes it feel more digestable. Keep it up and I can't wait to read more!
Hey! So i just got finished looking at your website and i gotta say it looks really good. The dark and the yellow is really appealing and it helps play to the chapters. The professionalism is really good. The story about Icarus was really well done. I think you gave a great perspective while providing all the context and necessary information that is required for the whole scope of the story! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Eden! I wanna start by saying I love the bright colors on your front page! I feel like I have seen more subdued colors, so this was such a chance and it looks so good! Very eye-catching! Also, I think it is so commendable that you have five chapters, that is AMAZING! I also like that you linked your author's note's separately from that actual story. Overall I feel your whole website is super professional and the layout of well-thought-out, great job! One suggestion I have is maybe adding mroe images! I didn't see any images beside your header, but I think they could really make your portfolio even better! It would also help break up the text a little bit and make it easier for your reader to follow along. In terms of writing and story, I think the story is very interesting. Right from the start, you keep your reader hooked and engaged! Overall, I think you’ve done a great job!!
ReplyDelete